Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
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