I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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