i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
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Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
She needs sedatives and a leash
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
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Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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