Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
