i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Randomize
