After last night, I could never be a politician.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Randomize
