this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Randomize
