he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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