I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
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