i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize
