is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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