Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
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