I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
