i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
