I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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