I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
