Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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