my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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