If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
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