My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
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