yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
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i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
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And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
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