So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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