I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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