we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
