She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
