I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
