im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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