just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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