A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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