rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
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