sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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