Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
Randomize
