Small penises have feelings too.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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