My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
