so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Randomize