P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
