that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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