I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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