Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Randomize
