Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Randomize
