The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
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