I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
