Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Randomize
