He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Who died my cat blue again?
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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