if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
My life is pants optional.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
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