I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
