I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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