remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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