if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
