ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
