so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Randomize
