By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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