im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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