I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
