we're chasing vodka with high fives
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
